Susan Fenner is a thank-you note writer. And she knows exactly how it started.
“My mother insisted that when you got a present, you couldn’t play with it, wear it or use it until you wrote a thank-you note,” Fenner says. “My notes got out quickly.”
While the rest of the country went from casual to hardly ever about writing thank-you notes, Fenner ramped it up. She began buying discount note cards, which she keeps always at the ready.
Asked what situations warrant a note of thanks, Fenner didn’t skip a beat: “Everything.”
Most of us may never become Fenner-like in our thank-youing, but etiquette experts say it’s past time we take our first baby steps.
The world needs more gratitude, they say, written long hand in a few short sentences and sent by regular mail. Thank-you notes help smooth life’s rough edges, just as the gift or invitation did.
“I don’t think there’s any more important or more underused thing than the thank-you note,” says Cathy Corey, etiquette instructor and director of the National League of Junior Cotillions in the Kansas City, Mo. area.
Corey threw a bridal shower in December, and the thank-you note from the bride brought tears to her eyes. But the topper was receiving another gracious note from the bride’s aunt, who drove four hours to be there.
“I felt great,” Corey says. “I’m glad to know I’m appreciated.”
Precisely, says Hilka Klinkenberg, director of Etiquette International in New York. The good feelings created by a thank-you note far exceed the effort to produce it, she says.
“These are not letters,” Klinkenberg says. “They’re not novellas. They just need to be three or four lines.”
There are practical reasons, too, for writing thank-you notes after receiving a gift or in gratitude for a dinner or party invitation. Givers who feel good about their generosity are more likely to give again.
“It triggers the generosity impulse,” Klinkenberg says. Plus, she says, ungrateful guests run the risk of not being invited back.
All agree that while a hand-written note doesn’t take much effort, a thank-you via the telephone or
e-mail doesn’t represent enough effort. Only a written note is worthy of the giver’s generosity, and only a written note leaves a lasting impression.
Fenner says that although friends know her as a reliable thank-youer, some thank-you note receivers are a little stunned to get a thank-you at all.
“I’m surprised when people are surprised that they got a little note,” Fenner says.
GESTURES THAT DESERVE A THANK-YOU NOTE
l Always send a handwritten thank-you when you receive a gift by mail. At the very least, the giver needs to know you actually received it.
l Always send one after a party or dinner for which you received a written invitation.
l Always send thank-you notes for wedding or shower gifts, for gifts when hospitalized and for sympathy cards and flowers.
l It’s recommended, though not required, that you send one when you have been a guest at a dinner party.
l It’s smart to send a thank-you after a job interview.
l Extra points if you send thank-you notes when friends help you out in tough situations and for gifts that were opened with the giver present and you thanked him or her at the time.
l Double extra points if you send a thank-you note this year completely out of the blue. Thank a friend for his or her friendship. Thank a former teacher for his or her guidance years ago.
Fenner thinks she knows why people have fallen away from the practice. They worry it will be too time-consuming, and they worry they won’t know what to write.
“Just write what you feel,” she says. “And the more thank-you notes you write, the more you can articulate how you feel. That’s a side benefit.”
WHEN TO WRITE A THANK-YOU
l Right away, Klinkenberg says. The gift or the event is fresh in your mind, and your gratitude will be more easily and genuinely expressed.
l Within a week is a good guideline, although it’s better to send thank-yous late than not at all. After a month, ask forgiveness for being tardy.
l Brides and grooms get special consideration, up to six months.
HOW NOT TO SEND A THANK-YOU
l Preprinted thank-you notes are not OK, even for children. Very small children can draw thank-you pictures.
l E-mail thank-you notes do not take the place of handwritten ones.
l Personalized stationery and cards are nice but not required. Still, go a notch higher than torn-out notebook paper.
HOW TO WRITE A THANK-YOU
l Begin with a greeting, as you would any letter, using the person’s name, such as “Dear Helen” or “Dear Grandma.”
l The first sentence starts with “thank you” and specifically mentions the gift or gesture. (For money gifts, go straight to the next step.)
l Tell how much you appreciated the person’s generosity.
l If you were invited to dinner, mention something specific about the meal or the house.
l If you received a gift, say how much you will enjoy it or use it. If it wasn’t your favorite item, some experts say it’s OK to fake your gratitude a little. Others say don’t lie but focus on the person’s thoughtfulness.
l If you received money, tell how you might spend it.
l Don’t stray too far from the intent of the thank-you note, such as providing news about you. A line, say, about hoping to get together soon is fine. The whole note needs only three or four sentences.
l The last sentence should repeat your thanks. Be sincere.
l End with a closing, such as “love” or “fondly,” and sign your name.
